Penance
by kookieznkream
Summary: It's springtime, and Kakashi sharpens his kunai once more.


Kakashi doesn't sleep anymore. He lies there, in a dream-less sleep because if he does, he can still see her.

Rin.

Rin was a dying promise unfulfilled, a life cut so cruelly short.

 _(Her blood is so warm, so red but he feels so cold, so cold inside)_

He forces his eyes open and sits up from the forest floor. The sun was rising, light streaming through the leaves. Rin once said she liked to the sun rise, to see life begin anew. Kakashi tried not think about it.

An abrupt pang flashed through his chest, as he wondered what she might have said about becoming a member of ANBU. He tried not to dwell on Rin Nohara, her face, her voice, but who else was there to see really? Who else but her?

Now he was left with no time. No more glimpses of that face, no more whispers from that voice, no more chances.

 _(It's all happened so fast, faster than his Sharingan can see. The crackling of electricity in the air, the sharp pain of the chidori and the aching in his heart as Rin whispers his name through blood-stained lips)_

He knows that Minato-sensei is worried about him, throwing worried glances when he thinks Kakashi isn't looking. But Kakashi isn't a child. He's a shinobi, a gifted one at that, whose held a kunai to a man's throat, whose taken a life as much as he's saved one.

He doesn't ask why when his sensei asks him to be his right-hand man. Kakashi says yes and watches as relief flashes across the young Hokage's face. But the words "Rin would've love that" hang in the air, thick and unspoken. Kakashi takes his leave without a single sound and heads to a training ground.

He trains and trains until he can't stand anymore.

 _(Time is seemed to stand still but her blood is coagulating, cooling on his arm. He can see the life died from her eyes. His Sharingan eye widens and now darkness envelopes him.)_

"Hey Kakashi, want to eat some dango with us?"

The words cut through the deafening silence in the room, and for a moment drowning out the screaming in his head. His peers sat in chairs opposite of each other, mirroring each other almost symmetrically. Guy looked at him with impatience, waiting for his response. There was concern in his gaze, one that was slowly driving him mad. His first reaction was to blink at her in disbelief, as he let the meaning of the question sink in.

"No." he stated, with a slight contempt in his voice. It was appalling to ask him such a question, now, of all times. Guy flinched a little, as if physically stung by his tone. He turns and leaves, glancing back to Guy, as if daring his peers to follow him.

He's relieved that they don't bother to follow.

 _(When he comes to, he's slung over the back of a jōnin, his screaming lost to the wind, with only the sound of the blood in his ears. His mind is in a whiplash, because he can't see Rin. Where is she?)_

He spends most of his off-mission time in a secluded training ground, punching and kicking until his own body gives out underneath him. He tries the Chidori again but stops when he sees Rin's face.

"Damn it, I cant -" He said to himself.

The lump in his throat made it impossible for him to finish his sentence. It had been stuck there all day, waiting for the opportune moment to strike and choke the remaining life out of him, crushing everything inside him that still felt remotely human. Flashes of memories came streaming back to him, and he closed his eyes to shut out the world around him. He did not want to show himself as weak man; he was a shinobi through and through. He was supposed to be used to pain. So why did it feel like someone had ripped out his heart?

He fought back a strange mixture of a smile and a cry, cursing himself for his morbid reactions at the memory. He didn't want to feel human. Not now. He was strong, damn it. He was a soldier. He takes out his kunai and goes through this motion once again.

 _(His sensei looks concerned when he comes to in the hospital but his face melts into a soft smile. "Are you alright?" Minato asks cautiously, as if Kakashi will crumble beneath the words. Kakashi doesn't say anything except stare at his Chidori hand, shaking ever so slightly)_

It was starting to rain. The forest floor was a dark gloomy green, and the sky above was mushy grey. It's springtime, he thought. The tension, the silence, wrapped around him like a cocoon, making it almost impossible to move. He closed his eyes, bringing himself under control once again. He wasn't sure how much more he can take. It was all too much. Rin, who always knew best, put her life in his hands. The thought triggered another memory. He wanted it to stop, but was too exhausted to doso, instead letting it wash over him like a bucket of water, freezing and burning him.

 _(The headstone was marble, carved out with simple black lettering. This was what he hoped he can avoid, yet there it was, clear as day. Guy tagged along, much to Kakashi's chagrin and they stood in silence before the headstone for a while before Guy asked if he was feeling sad, to which he replied that he was. It was technically lie, but if he were more honest he felt shame than sadness, but he'd never tell Guy that. Some things are left unsaid. After all, they decided to play along to his lie, but that didn't mean they weren't hurting on his behalf. It made him feel ashamed that they had played this game with him._

 _Guy had left after a short while, and he found himself staring at the stone before him. There had once been a promise behind that name. A friend, a comrade._

 _"Rin-" he began, half-hoping to hear her voice calling his name._

 _For a moment he felt ridiculous, realizing he was talking to a headstone. In a green field full of dead people, he was the only one alive. Nonetheless he need to say this. He had to get it out before it consumed him and buried him._

 _"I'm sorry." His voice cracked at the last syllable, his body shuddering, eyes burning with tears._

 _With legs like jelly, he bent down, and lay a bouquet of purple hyacinths. Taking a shuddering breath, he turned his back on the headstone, his heart breaking into a new piece every time he took a step.)_

The rain is pouring heavily now, the steady drum drum drum matching the beating of his heart. He stands up shakily and lets himself be vulnerable for a few more seconds and wipes his tears. He forces himself to go back to the cold and calculated shinobi that he is. And he goes home, to sharpen his kunai.


End file.
